Dining Out
When we want to get together with someone, what do we usually say? How about lunch? Let’s get together for dinner? Face it, a lot of socializing takes place over a meal. How do you deal with that when you’re on a diet? For myself, I dealt with it much the same way as everything else—head on.
One of the things I did when I was dieting was to make sure that I ate breakfast—in fact, many mornings I would have a rather large breakfast. Many evenings I was able to eat a light dinner, by reminding myself that I would be having a large, satisfying breakfast in the morning. Consequently, a get together with friends for a big breakfast on the weekends worked out very well for me.
If I was meeting someone in the evening, it required discipline. It wasn’t impossible, because I had taken ownership of my goal. I would usually have a large salad and drinks. I didn’t really limit myself when it came to drinks. For the most part, I only drank when I went out and usually two or three. Today, I probably drink more because I’ll have a drink at home too. Just because my diet and exercise are a lifestyle doesn’t mean I deny myself anything. In fact, I feel that because I don’t deny myself what I want, I’m able to maintain my diet and exercise lifestyle.
Rituals
Sharing food is a custom that we have in our society, in and around social interactions. The food is not the main thing, the people you are with is really what matters. You can meet someone for lunch and have lousy food, yet still have a good time because of the social interaction over the meal. The reverse is also true. You can have great food and a lousy time. The food itself is really not that important when it comes to socializing.
I have a story about a social gathering that illustrates some of our feelings around food. Many years ago, when I was very fat, I was at a dinner party of about a dozen people. The food was very good and everyone was enjoying the event. The food was placed on serving plates on a large table that we all sat around. One of the particularly tasty dishes went very fast, except for one piece, the last piece. I was looking at the last piece and I really wanted it. However, there was a part of me that just couldn’t take it and it appeared that no one else was able to take it either. I happened to be sitting across from a psychologist, so I thought I would ask him why it is that most people won’t take the last piece. He told me something very interesting. He said that when people are in a group, they are self-conscious of appearing greedy. Most people feel that if they take the last piece of something, they will look greedy. When he said that, I promptly took the last piece and enjoyed it very much. What I found interesting is that it’s not a matter of actually being greedy—it’s a matter of appearing greedy. It seems clear to me that we are very concerned with how we appear in social situations, and there are a whole lot of unspoken rules that we follow, whether they make sense or not. Perhaps at one time they did make sense, but, at this point, they are just rituals that we go through because we feel this is how we will be accepted by the group.
Playing the Game
What’s the most important thing about socializing with others? It’s the socializing itself, not the food you eat while socializing. Why is it, then, that food enters into the situation so frequently? Have you ever played poker? When you play poker, obviously the most important thing is the card game itself. However, if you only pay attention to the cards, you will probably lose. The cards are important, but cards do not play the game, people play the game. If you don’t pay attention to the people, you’ll miss half the game. No matter how good some of the players are, they can only play the cards they are dealt. How they play the cards they’re dealt is what separates the winners from the losers. It’s not just a matter of bluffing when you have a lousy hand, although that’s certainly part of it. It’s also knowing when it’s not worth it, and it’s time to fold, so that you are still able to play the next hand. If you’re playing poker, and are not paying attention to these things in your opponents and yourself, then you are at a disadvantage. It’s not always easy to spot what your opponents are thinking or doing in the middle of a game. Something every good player looks for in their opponents are tells. Tells are subconscious cues that your opponents give off, like tapping their foot when they’re bluffing. Tells are usually not that obvious.
In fact, they almost never are. Sometimes you may not even realize that you are picking up on them, but you will still react to them. That’s where poker and socializing with food overlap.
The Food Pusher
Only the odd time does food become an issue when socializing, but only with a particular type of person and I think we’ve all met that person. They are what I call the food pusher. Your parents are not going to change unless they want to change. Since they are, by their nature, older than you are, don’t hold your breath.
The food pushers are the people who will not take no for an answer and they come in two general varieties, overtly aggressive and passive aggressive.
The overtly aggressive food pusher is the person who keeps dumping food on your plate that you did not ask for, and may not even like. Then, in a loud booming voice they say, “Eat!!!” The overtly aggressive food pusher actually means well and is usually trying to be hospitable. They are usually people who only know how to communicate using the language of aggression. Because of the way that they communicate, these people have to be dealt with in a firm manner.
Treating
Getting back to run-of-the-mill socializing—socializing over a meal should not be an issue if you have taken ownership of your weight. You may not have control over every craving that you have, or all the whacked out food pushers out there. However, there’s nothing that says you can’t indulge in a little treating as opposed to cheating. The idea is that you are allowing yourself an indulgence, as opposed to giving in to a craving or someone dumping food on your plate.
There is a big difference. As the owner of your weight, you have control, even when you decide to go off your diet as a treat or celebration. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, even if your indulgence results in the gain of a pound or two.
First of all, you’ll be weighing yourself regularly so you will be aware of the situation long before it snowballs into a larger problem. Secondly, you will have the tools to address the situation.
Enjoy Your Food With Others/Avoid Binging On Your Own
I have always loved food and I still do. However, for the most part, I did the majority of my serious eating on my own. In other words, I didn’t pig out in front of other people in a social situation. In fact, I compensated to the point that I would usually eat much less than normal in social situations. It’s okay to enjoy your food in social situations.
If you’re like me, the only person holding you back from enjoying your food is yourself.
It has to do with your attitude towards food—food is something we all need, so the idea of not eating is simply not realistic. Okay, we’ve established that you have to eat. You need energy to sustain your body.
That’s the need aspect of food. However, when we talk about loving food and enjoying food in a social situation, we’re talking about the want aspect of food.
When someone is starving to death, chocolate cheesecake is not really what they need. Chocolate cheesecake usually falls into the want column, but not always. In certain situations, it can be a need. However, that is very unusual.
Balance
You shouldn’t deny yourself an opportunity to participate in something any more than you should deny your desire for good food. Many times, the hardest thing is the anticipation. For myself, I noticed that my fears were always worst before an event, when I was by myself. I found people very accepting and, in some cases, quite encouraging. We tend to get worked up over something not very serious and make it seem much worse than it is.
What I’ve found is that many people are more concerned with the drama in their own lives to consider the drama we’ve worked up in our own minds. This shows us that too much subjective thinking will give us a distorted view of the way things really are. By the same token, too much objective thinking is not the way to go either. We can’t simply deny the way we feel, any more than we can deny our desire to be loved, be liked, and enjoy our food. What I’m saying is that we need to find a balance between subjective and objective thinking.
Finding a balance will help us deal with our weight problem, and help us to feel more comfortable socializing with others in situations that involve food. It’s not impossible, but it can initially seem a bit cumbersome. I found that I had to consciously think my way through it at first. Sometimes I still need to consciously achieve a balance in my thinking, so I don’t get myself too worked up.
Child to an Adult
Socializing is all about our need to interact and to be liked by others. Our greatest fear is rejection. As a fat person, I faced rejection many times. If you’re fat, you know exactly what I’m talking about. However, it’s important to remember that we choose to be fat and we can choose to be thin. It’s not a surprise to us that, as a fat person, we will face some rejection, so, in some way, we choose that rejection. Here’s an interesting question: Why would anyone choose to be rejected? There could be any number of reasons and, as I’ve said before, I’m not a therapist of any sort, so I’m really not qualified to answer that question. However, I have been in that position and I can tell you that some part of me didn’t want to be accepted by the group. I think it has something to do with my home environment while I was growing up. Now, I could sit here and whine about all the problems my parents inflicted on me, but if I did, I would still be fat and facing rejection. I would just be living in victim mode and clinging to that pain to keep me company. Not only that, but I would also be living like a child, carrying around all the hurts I’ve ever faced. At a certain point, it is time to be your own person and start acting like an adult. The key word is not adult—the key word is act, because it’s time to take action. That’s how adults face their problems.
Relationship Dynamics
When it comes to people you know well, you may have to face some challenges. I knew of a couple, the husband was thin and the wife was fat. The husband would buy his wife chocolates because he liked his wife fat. Why he liked his wife fat, I don’t know. I have my own theories about his insecurities, but really I don’t know. He may have been a food pusher. All I know is that he bought the chocolates and his wife ate the chocolates—remember, no one can force an adult to do anything. People can talk about social pressure and all kinds of other bullshit, but the bottom line is: if you don’t want to do something, you don’t have to. Perhaps their relationship wasn’t the healthiest, but there was something there that worked for both of them.
Now, imagine if, one day, the woman said no to her husband’s chocolates, what then? Well, I think it’s pretty obvious that her refusal of the chocolates would throw a wrench into the dynamic. A refusal like that would mean that something would have to change. Either the husband would have to get used to the fact that his wife no longer wanted his chocolates and to be fat, or the wife would have to change her mind and accept the chocolates. Now, the husband may accept that his wife no longer wants his gifts of chocolates, but he may not like it. If he is unhappy with his wife’s refusal of the chocolates, chances are he’s going to express it. Nothing exists in a vacuum. Until this point, from his view, his wife was happy to accept his chocolates, so now he feels rejected.
